Daraius, I know you probably think I am crazy writing you an email when I can just call or text you. But Sometimes I feel I can write what I feel a lot better than I can say it. I know lately I have been being somewhat crazy, but I can sense things changing—you changing—and I absolutely hate it. But the thing is, I knew it would happen, and I’m sure you did too. It’s not like you can help it, I know you are extremely busy with work, school, and friends. And I feel I am only holding you back, and am just something else you have to deal with.
I don’t want to make you feel guilty for hanging out with your friends instead of talking to me either—that really is awful. You need to do what you want to do. We used to talk and text all day and now we hardly do at all. I can feel us drift apart more each day, and it hurts like a knife. I know you probably think I am just “tripping out” or whatever, but it’s really bothering me. I’m usually not one to get too into things or emotionally involved at all. I just move right on without even thinking twice. But, Daraius, I have never cared about someone the way I care about you.
But that doesn’t change things, unfortunately. The thing is, I can’t take this. I really can’t. I don’t want to make you feel bad, and I don’t want to be waiting by the phone—expecting you to call me, while just constantly hurting. It’s ridiculous. I have no reason to be anything but happy, and I hate feeling sad. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to call or talk to me either—that’s just awful. People do what that want, and Daraius, I can already tell things have changed. But it’s okay, that doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I do not want anyone but you—I don’t care if we are millions of miles apart.
There is no boy out there like you—and I really do not even have any desire at all to date anyone else. But sometimes, you don’t get what you want. And that is fine. I understand. I can still be happy, I just can’t be drug along. You can move on easily, any girl would be lucky to have you. I can feel you forget me, and all the amazing memories we made this summer. I feel like each day, you forget a little more. You forget how each day we both couldn’t stop smiling being around each other. How we both wanted to spend every night together, regardless if Jillian made you leave because you were snoring.
You forget how we always got along no matter what. You forget how I fit perfectly in you arms. You forget how we had fun no matter what we were doing. You forget about our lottery ticket tradition for every paycheck. You forget how you cried as I drove away. You forget. You just forget. You are making new memories with your friends and the ones from florida just seem to fade away. But, I promise, I will never ever forget a single thing about you or any of the great times we had. I know it would be way different if we were closer, but we aren’t. I know I could wait forever for you.
But, I know you will meet a lot of girls who are closer and would love to be with you. And this is what I will always miss: I miss laying in bed next to you and cuddling. I miss taking shots and going to the pool. I miss your adorable smile. I miss how you used to text me all day long and send me pictures. I miss you driving me around in my car. I miss scratching off lottery tickets even when we lost. I miss the sweet notes you used to write for me. I miss looking forward to seeing you when I woke up or got off work everyday. I miss being able to kiss you whenever I wanted. I miss Jillian getting mad at us for no reason.
I miss beating you in speed. I miss going to the tiki hut on our off time and pretending like we were on vacation and had just met. I miss saying your name a hundred times a day just because. I miss eating your chef Boyardee with your hot sauce and cheese. I miss getting drunk with you and having a blast. I miss our St. Augustine trips. I even miss your snoring. I miss your smile. I miss taking a million pictures with you. I miss singing “Are you gonna kiss me or not” all of the time. I miss falling asleep with you beside me. I miss getting tilted with you. I miss how you could always keep me laughing no matter what.
I miss watching random movies on the cot. I miss having fun with you regardless of what we were doing. I miss absolutely everything about you and all the amazing times we had this summer and all of the memories made. I will never EVER forget the first day I met you or the day I left. I will never forget that look on your face or the tears I cried as I drove away. As I write this, I can feel tears trickle down my face. Daraius, I really do love you. As crazy as I know that sounds. I still vividly remember that night. The night I told you I loved you. I know I was drunk, but I meant it with my whole heart.
I remember we were in my room getting ready to go get the cups from the hundredth hole. You told me you loved me too, and you had been wanting to tell me. I had no idea you even remembered that—and I know we both will never forget it. I just know I do love you enough to let you go, if that is what is best. If things are meant to be we will end up together in the end. We can take our state to state trip and have the time of our lives. If we are going to be together, we need to be closer. I just feel broken right now. I know what is coming. If you ever have plans to move to the east coast, please let me know.
I will still be here waiting for you. I know it is so hard to just pick up and move. There is so much to it. And I couldn’t possibly be worth that. You have a whole family and a ton of friends that you just couldn’t leave behind. But, I know for a fact, you won’t meet anyone like me, or anyone who you get along with so well. I say that, because I know how girls are, and I know how I am. You may meet girls who are extremely pretty and really fun with good personalities, and you will probably fall for them. But, I promise you, it won’t be the same. You need to date around to realize that.
But, if we don’t end up together, I do hope you meet someone you get along with as well as we do, and I hope that girl cares about you at least half as much as I do. I know I won’t meet anyone like you either—someone that makes me constantly happy—someone I have such a connection with. But you know, I can live with that because at least I did get to meet you and experience a whole entire amazing summer with you. Some people don’t ever meet someone that special in an entire lifetime. I consider myself lucky. I can’t even begin to tell you how much fun I had with you this summer and how I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
I’ve never met anyone like you before, and I doubt I ever will. I have never cared about a guy nearly as much as I care about you either. It really scares me, especially since I have only known you for such a short amount of time. I have never wanted to hang out or talk to someone so often–and I know I could never get tired of you. It is crazy how often I call you—I have never even called a guy before unless he called me first. I have never been comfortable around anyone as much as I am with you. I feel like I could tell you absolutely anything. I could only ever wish you the very best.
I hope you realize what an amazing person you are—I hope you know you have the power to do so much. You really know how to make people happy. You have the best personality of anyone I have ever even met. You can really do anything–I believe in you so much. So, what are we supposed to do? I really honestly do not know what is best for us to do except be friends and talk whenever you have time. I already care too much about you wayyyy more than I should. I just can’t be a mess like this. You can’t force anyone to like or love you. All I do know is, I will absolutely always always be here for you.
NO matter what. If you ever do really want me to still come see you in California, and you have the days off, I will be there in a heartbeat. I really do think you need some time to figure out really what you do want out of life. It really is hard to know. Daraius, I only really have the best intentions for you. Like I said, I do not want to keep bugging you about why you have changed or what is going on or why we don’t talk like we used to. People do change, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. That is nothing you can be blamed for. Like I said, people do what they want.
And if you really do want to be with me—I know you will make it happen. But that is entirely up to you, and regardless of what happens I will still always be here for you forever if you need me for anything. I will continue to always be your friend. I am going to let you go. You can still call me if you want (which obviously, I really hope you do), but I will not be waiting by the phone anymore expecting you to call. It is up to you. I won’t call and wake you up anymore either in the mornings like I usually do—so now you can wake up on your own time. And I won’t bug you about skyping me when you have other things you ould rather do. And I also won’t bug you anymore about me coming to California. If you really do want me to come, you will figure your schedule out and plan everything out. And you better believe I will be there. I know, I just wrote you a book. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day, and how things seem to be going. You probably do think I am crazy. I just wanted you to know exactly how I feel. I have already shed too many tears for you. I cannot continue to worry about what will happen with us. I believe anyone can be happy no matter what their circumstances may be if they have the right attitude about things.
Circumstances and situations constantly change, so I must have an internal happiness that is unwavering. I will continue to miss you each day, but I will always be happy knowing that you are happy. I sure hope we do still continue to keep in touch, because I always want you in my life. I still really hope one day we will be able to go on that cross country trip and visit each state. I know we would have the time of our lives—NO doubt. I know this was a super long email, but I really hope you read it all. Please don’t ever forget me.